The Push-Pull: Making Friends with Resistance in Your Healing.

18 Sep The Push-Pull: Making Friends with Resistance in Your Healing.

Have you ever found yourself avoiding something you know is good for you? Maybe it’s putting off that phone call to schedule your first therapy session. Or perhaps you’re in therapy and suddenly find yourself canceling appointments, showing up late, or feeling an overwhelming urge to talk about anything but the deep stuff.

This, my friend, is resistance. And it’s one of the most normal and misunderstood parts of the healing journey.

As a therapist specializing in nervous system regulation and trauma healing, I see resistance show up in my office all the time. It’s not a sign that you’re “failing” at therapy or that you don’t want to get better. In fact, it’s often the opposite.

Resistance is a signal from your wise, protective self that you’re approaching something important, something tender. It’s a beautifully human response to change, and learning to work with it, rather than against it, can unlock profound healing.

What is Resistance in Therapy?

In simple terms, resistance in therapy is any behavior, thought, or feeling that gets in the way of the therapeutic process. It’s the internal friction you feel when you’re on the edge of something new.

Common examples of resistance include:

• Avoidance: procrastinating on booking a session, frequently rescheduling, or “forgetting” appointments. 
• Intellectualizing: describing emotions in a detached way instead of feeling them. 
• Changing the Subject: bringing up surface-level topics when deeper issues arise. 
• Skepticism: doubting the process or your therapist. 
• Feeling Numb or Blank: shutting down when asked about difficult experiences. 

These are not signs of defiance. From a nervous system perspective, they are adaptive strategies for survival.

The Nervous System’s Role in Resistance

To understand resistance, we need to talk about the nervous system. Through the lens of Polyvagal Theory (developed by Dr. Stephen Porges), we know our nervous system constantly scans the environment for safety and danger. Its primary job isn’t to make you happy, it’s to keep you alive.

When you’ve experien

ced trauma, your system learns that certain feelings, memories, or situations are dangerous. For example:

One client, Sarah, found herself unable to talk about her relationship with her mother. Every time we got close, she developed a migraine or felt ov

erwhelmingly sleepy. Her body had learned that exploring that topic was unsafe. The migraines and fatigue were her nervous system’s way of pulling the emergency brake, a protective shutdown to prevent emotional overwhelm.

This wasn’t Sarah being “difficult.” It was her body’s wisdom at work.

Resistance is simply your protective system saying: “Slow down. I’m not sure this is safe yet.”

How to Befriend Your Resistance

The goal isn’t to bulldoze through resistance. That often makes it stronger. Instead, somatic therapy teaches us to get curious, listen to resistance, and treat it as a protective part of ourselves.

1. Acknowledge and Name It

Notice it without judgment: “Ah, there’s that resistance again. I feel the urge to check my phone every time my therapist asks about my family.” Naming it reduces self-criticism.

2. Get Curious About the Sensation

Where does resistance live in your body?

• Tightness in your chest? 
• Knot in your stomach? 
• Lump in your throat? 
• Sudden fatigue? 

Simply observe without needing to change it.

3. Ask It What It Needs

Gently ask: “What are you afraid would happen if we went there?” or “What do you need to feel safer?” Common answers include:

• I need to go slower. 
• I need to know I can stop anytime. 
• I’m afraid I’ll fall apart. 

This compassionate self-inquiry is at the heart of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy.

4. Talk About It with Your Therapist

Saying, “I feel like I’m resisting something right now” can be incredibly powerful. A trauma-informed therapist will welcome this awareness, it opens the door for deeper collaboration and safety.

Some Journal Prompts for Reflection

• When have I noticed resistance showing up in therapy or life? What did it feel like in my body? 
• If my resistance had a voice, what would it say? What is it protecting me from? 
• What is one gentle step I could take to honor this part of me while moving toward healing?

Resistance is a Compass, Not a Wall

Think of resistance not as a barrier to break but as a compass pointing you toward deeper healing. It signals you’ve reached the edge of your comfort zone, exactly where growth happens.

If you’re feeling stuck, remember: you are not broken. Resistance means your system is working to keep you safe. The next step is finding support to help you listen to its wisdom.

For further reading, I recommend Deb Dana’s Anchored, an accessible resource on the nervous system and healing.

If you’re ready to explore your patterns of resistance with curiosity and compassion, a trauma-informed therapist can help you integrate these protective parts into your healing journey.

If you’re located in New York or Connecticut, I invite you to contact my practice to schedule a consultation. Together, we can create the safety you need to move toward wholeness, at your own pace.